Eleven Stages of Drunkenness

 

1. “Yeah, I’m feeling it” – You had your first drink, be it a beer, a wine, a mojito or if you’re totally eager to get on it; a shot. Everything is getting more stimulating; the music is sounding a little better, the girls/boys around you are rising from 5/10 to something bangable, and you’re starting to feel fitter, smarter, and richer. You might still be telling yourself you’re going to take it easy, but as you reach the bottom of the glass much quicker than you expected you start to ignore the hesitation you had towards unwelcome liver abuse. Luckily for you, Krawl through Krakow starts by giving you one full hour of unlimited bar so you can skip from this step to step 6 or 7 efficiently and entertainingly.

During this time it’s especially important to check yourself before you wreck yourself. This includes picking a designated responsible adult, securing who in the bar is an appropriate hook-up so stage 9 you doesn’t take home someone that resembles a sick orca whale by the morning, and most importantly if you’re someone who sends a lot of drunken texts, slip your phone on airplane mode. TOP TIP: If you always have two drinks then you have no spare hands to message your ex to tell him you miss his dog.  

2. “The Buzz” – You had a drink or two, and now your vision feels a little bit shaky, as does your ability to slow down your drinking even though you probably should. You’re feeling the music and you’re bobbing your head back and forth without the power to stop it. The conversations are feeling more important, which is why they consequently get louder and louder. This is also the time when anyone who ordered a coke during stage 1 will start to contract FOMO and play catch-up. Be wary of this, it’s a scientifically proven fact that the nights that start with “I’m not drinking tonight” turn out the messiest.

 

3. “I think I’m tipsy” – This is when you go to the bathroom and as you sit alone in the stall and let out a random little giggle you realise that yep, it got you good, and you are now a little bit drunk. Everything is funny, every song is your favourite, and everyone is your best friend. That tiny bit of dignity and wise-decision making you still had in stage 2 has evaporated and you’re inevitably going to start doing and saying things you’ll regret.

 

4. “Beyonce step aside” – You can sing, you can dance, and to be honest right now you’re questioning why you’ve never been scouted before. Look at all these amateur fantasists thinking they’re nailing every move to single ladies. Nope, clear some space, YOU HAVE THIS.

 

5. “Peasants step aside” – you get a vodka and coke, your mates get a vodka coke, this stranger at the bar gets a vodka and coke, everyone gets a vodka and coke! This is the point where you tell yourself this is ok, that you didn’t come out to do it by the half and if you go home without spending every zloty in your wallet then what was the point in even go out at all?

 

6. “Did I ever tell you how much I love you?” – Boyfriend, girlfriend, best friend, brother, sister, granny, bar tender, chair, potted plant, light switch…how grateful are you to have them all in your life right now? It’s majorly imperative that in this exact moment you use any possible method of communication to let them all know this. Phone, text, fax, carrier pigeon, they need to know right now. No, it definitely cannot wait until tomorrow. But whilst you’re at it, you also strongly believe that now is the best conceivable time to give that ex a call, just to let him know a) you’re better off without him and b) you’re lying.

 

7. “I am invincible”– Alcohol is a suppressant, as it suppresses the normal functions of your brain AKA knowing what’s a bad idea and not. We’ve all done it, I know personally I have; I jumped off a balcony, tried to fight a car, convinced myself I can swim in the fountains on plac szczepanski…enough beers will take you from Jake from Dublin to Chuck Norris’ stronger, older brother.

 

8. “I am invisible”– That’s it, you cracked, and now you’re talking to yourself. Though the term “talking” is used flippantly, since each sentence is becoming one long slurry word. None the less, it’s still not making any sense why every girl you’re hitting on is staring at your confusedly/questionably. Or why her boyfriend seems so mad about it.

 

9. “This looks like a perfect place to take a nap”– sofa in the club, head resting on the bar, on your friend’s shoulder, in the back of the taxi, in the wet grass in the park, even that bench looks comfy…you can spoon with that homeless person. Don’t worry though, we’re here to gently wake you up and send you on your way to your much comfier hostel bed.

 

10. “Let’s go get food”– God? Is that you? Since when did you work in McDonald’s? Please bless me with 20 chicken nuggets, a big mac, fries, a mcflurry and a diet coke. It’s 4 in the morning, you have literally nowhere you need to be, but that’s not going to stop you approaching your tray of processed delicacy as if you just reached the final of an eating contest.

 

11. “I am never drinking again”-This is when your mouth tastes like all the bad decisions you made last night. You need sunglasses to open the fridge. That glass of wine you placed next to your bed for when you wake up thirsty doesn’t look so appetising anymore. The first ten minutes are a tentative phase as you slowly pull yourself up and assess exactly how bad the damage is. Pounding head, constant nausea, shaking hands, it’s bad. You need coffee and pierogi and you need it now. Slowly, it goes and life is becoming much more bearable. Then the question arises; what should we do tonight…Well how about another pub crawl? There’s a discount for returning guests and you had an amazing time, why not do it all again?